why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
