I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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