just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Randomize
