3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
