I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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