And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
