can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Randomize
