Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
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