You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
