I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize
