can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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