Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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