You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Randomize
