So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I smell like Dick and happiness
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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