just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
