And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Randomize