exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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