I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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