i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
