Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
