so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Randomize
