how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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