Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
i may or may not be watching the land before time
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
