i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize