Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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