I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
