I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize