At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
