Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
