he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
