There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
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