you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
