lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
