PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Church boner. Awkwardddd
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
