i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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