dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
