I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
