My sheets look like a crime scene.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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