i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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