She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
