i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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