I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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