My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Randomize
