There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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