Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
