I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize