Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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