where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Operation Purity has been aborted
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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