Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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