The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Randomize
