Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
