I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
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