So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
