We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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